ME

This post is dedicated to my parents: may they read this and understand why I can't live up to their expectations.

I'm going to be honest here. This will probably be the hardest post I'll ever write, and it's full of secrets that I've kept from everyone outside of my family. But I think the first step to getting over it is to tell people about it.

You see, I have a problem that is interfering with my progression in life. I have a debilitating shyness so deep that I can't hardly go anywhere or do anything without someone there to give me emotional support. It's embarrassing to be honest, and I'm not sure how I became like this. I used to be the kind of kid who made friends easily and who did things by herself with out problems. Maybe it was the years in Young Women where I didn't have many friends and almost always felt like I was too different to be including in the groups. I was always the only one in my age group, and because of this I matured a lot different than the other girls. In someways I became more mature, in others, less. I was also the only one who never went to public school, so I couldn't relate to most of the girls and the things they talked about with each other.

This problem has brought my parents no end of grief. Most of the time my mom has to almost literally strong-arm me into doing things like calling strangers on the phone or going into buildings by myself. Most of the time from what I can tell they think that this is because I'm either lazy or I don't want to do things. Far from it. I'm actually terrified to do these things. And I hate myself for being so scared of doing normal, every day things. But I can't see a way around this, can't see a way to face my shyness without making it worse.

Recently this problem has ballooned and is threatening to sink my future. After a lot of thinking and praying since about mid June, I've come to the conclusion that enlisting in the Air Force is the right thing for me to do right now. It's an interesting change in my career desire, and I'm actually excited to be apart of something that helps people and will give me a chance to become better. However, once again, my uber-shyness has gotten in the way of my progression.

I spoke with the AF recruiter in Council Bluffs two weeks ago. Everything was going great, he was really nice and helpful, and I really thought I would have a shot at getting in. Then, I took the practice ASVAB test they had there. For those of you who don't know, the ASVAB is pretty much the entrance exam into all branches of the military. The test has four parts to it; two English, and two mathematics. Naturally, I got every English question correct. However, I completely failed the math sections. I've never been good with math, and I'll admit I don't have all my math facts memorized. I just never had the need to. I have a calculator, and my writing doesn't need math.

With such a poor math school, my total score was 15 points below the requirement to enlist. After that, the recruiter was cooler towards me, like he wasn't interested in helping me get into the AF anymore.

At the start of the interview, everything had been going well. I had gone in by myself, and he was really nice. But as soon as he saw that score and started acting differently, my resolve faltered and I began to have doubts again.

Now, he said he was going to call last week, and I sure he tried, but our phone was out all week, so he never got through. Which means that now my parents are bugging me to call him this week and set up the meeting we're supposed to have again this week. Only I can't bring myself to call him, because I don't want to face him again. It was extremely embarrassing to get such a poor math school, especially after telling him that I'd been homeschooled. I can only imagine what kind of poor education he thinks I got.

So now I'm stuck, needed to move forward with my life but unable to because of my terrible shyness.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening to my whining. I'm sorry if this has changed you outlook on me for the bad.