On Best Friends (who happen to be guys)

So, since being here in California I have made a lot of friends. And when I say a lot, I  mean more friends than I have had my entire life combined. I love it. I always have people to talk to, people to say hi to, and everyone always says hi back. And quite a few of my friends are men, which has taken me by pleasent surprise. I have found that BMT has almost completely stripped shyness from my personality, and I don't have a hard time talking with guys now. Too much, anyway. I still struggle to get up the gumption to talk to the cute ones I don't know too well.

Anyway, I always seem to find myself surrounded by males. And this is completely unintentional and totally beyond my control. The group I traveled to BMT was all men, the group I traveled from BMT was all men, the class I'm in here is all men, and about half the time I find myself with a group of guys. This is not a bad thing, in my opinion. I have grown up surrounded by boys, so they really aren't a mystery to me, and once I realized how much they are like my brothers, I wasn't so awkward around them. (And some of them really are exactly like my brothers, it's almost scary)


To continue with tonight's story, there's one man in particular, who's last name is Guy, no joke, who I have become really good friends with. He came from basic at the same time I did, though we weren't in the same small group, so he was in the big group of people who all hung out together in the beginning, when everyone was restricted to base. It took about two weeks before I actually started hanging out with him, because in the beginning I was kind of on the fringe of the group as the last shreds of shyness tried to cling to me. But as more of our group reached the point where they were allowed off base, the group got smaller, and smaller, until there was just a handful of us; two other girls, me, and Guy.

Now, while we were restricted to base, on the weekends we would have movie nights. We would stay up watching movies until just before midnight, when our curfew was, and enjoy each other's company. I was the one stuck on base the longest, a total of 31 days, which is practically unheard of around here, because the Sergeant in charge of me is... not nice. Anyway, there were several moments during movie nights where people would say and do things that would make me feel so happy inside.

Then, about a week and a half before I was allowed to leave base, I was in the dayroom in my building (it's like a family room for the whole building. The whole Air Force, really, since it's the only co-ed dayroom on base) watching Guy and one of his friends play pool. Not the most entertaining thing in the world, but I love listening to people talk and hearing stories and conversations. And while I was listening to Guy talking with his friend, out of the blue he tells his friend that I'm his best friend.

It was a little bit of a shock to me, because I've never been considered a best friend by a guy before. It gave me mixed feelings; I really liked the idea of having a best friend on base, someone I could always talk to. On the other hand, I was a little disappointed that he only considered me a friend. However, I forced myself to get over that feeling, because he's not LDS, and doesn't have the same standards that I do, though he does know my standards quite well.

The first weekend I was allowed to go off base, I went a little shopping crazy and shopped all Friday and Saturday. And on Saturday, Guy came along with the group I was with. That day, we made a long bus trek to Best Buy to get me a laptop, because I had been dying without one, since there aren't any computer stories on base. Guy stuck with me when the other girls that were in the group headed over to the clothing store next door while I went through the long process of purchasing a computer.

And the entire time, the Best Buy employee who was selling me the computer thought Guy and I were married. No joke. Everything he said, he acted like he thought Guy was my husband helping me get a computer. It was the funniest thing, and we both let him think that, because it was too funny to correct him.

Afterwards, we told the story to the girls, and had another big laugh, then I told my parents, and they got a kick out of it. What I didn't start realizing until last week was that I've slowly but surely come to like Guy as more than a friend.

Take last week for example. I got dressed up for church, like I normally do, and headed out, not really thinking about looking nice for anyone in particular. You know, I get dressed up for church, that was it. But while walking to the carpool pickup spot, I ran into Guy and a few other men I'm friends with. And all of them commented on how I looked, and Guy even gave me a hug, telling how nice I looked.

That just made me feel like I was walking on sunshine.

So when I was buying clothes to match the skirt I already had on Friday, I think I instinctually honed in on an outfit that would flatter me the most. I mean, I like looking nice for church, but this time it went a little past just wanting to look nice for church. I realized on Sunday, when I didn't meet Guy while in my cute new outfit, that I wanted to look nice for him.

Then, I hung out with him tonight, so that I could help him with studying, since he's two weeks behind me. During the whole time we were studying, he talking about how good of a friend I was, and how I was his best friend, and how he would do anything for me. It made me feel good, that he still felt close to me, and I tried to ignore that niggling feeling that he thought of me as only a friend. I thought that maybe I could change his mind in the future, or something.

Alas, during a break in studying, while he was talking with some of our other friends, he said something that made me realize just how little of a chance I have with him. They had been talking about SARC related stuff (SARC is an Air Force acronym for Sexual Assault Response Coordinator, and it's used fruequently and in a joking manner to reference anything sexual related), and somehow my name came up. I didn't hear how my name entered the conversation, but what I did hear was Guy telling them that there was no way he could SARC me. That I was like his best friend, that he wouldn't ever dream of touching me like that.

Normally, I would have been a little relieved, I think. I've always been uncomfortable when it comes to that kind of talk, and I always steer the conversation to somewhere a little safer. But, for a moment before my mind moved on to other things, I wondered if he really meant that. I know a lot of the guys I'm friends with think of me as a little sister or just a friend, but for a moment, I wanted there to be at least some possiblilty of more. For a split second before my spirit pushed the thought away, I wanted to know if there was a chance of marrying Guy.

(I really hope he doesn't read this...)

Now, I don't know how to feel about this. He's so much fun to be around, we always have stuff to talk about, and he has told me that he would do anything for me, up to and including chasing away unwanted guys. (there happens to be one of those in my class, unfortunately. I hope he doesn't read this either)

On the other hand, he's not LDS and so doesn't have the same standards that I do.

If any one has some really good advice for me, aside from the obvious that I shouldn't be thinking of marriage at this point anyway, I would be forever grateful. Because I really can't be distracted from class right now.

(Whew, that turned out to be quite a different post than I had planned on it being. And much longer.)